Old Goodbyes

I wonder how people long ago used to say goodbye, before there was email, telephone, or even letter-writing. It must have been something amazing. Or maybe it was something very simple. In any case, it must have been so much different.

I.Me

I am very different from the me from 2 years ago

College

It's kind of a bummer, but mostly just weird, that I usually feel a little uncomfortable talking about college and grad school with most of my friends. I suddenly realize how uncommon it is for someone from my group of friends and family to continue school for years past adolescence. I suddenly feel different, like I stick out awkwardly from the people I love, even though there was nothing different between us only a moment ago. I feel a little spoiled for having the opportunity to go to college and even further on to graduate school if I want. I felt this for the first time in a while talking to some of my friends last night. I realized that most of the friends I've made in Japan, too, didn't go to college or quit high school after a year or two. Talking about leaving everyone and going back to the U.S. to go to graduate school makes me feel so separated from them, like a privileged child who takes for granted all the opportunity that's been laid right in front of me without me having to do anything. I know somewhere inside that it can be good to talk about college and education with loved ones who haven't pursued education that far, but it feels so arrogant. These aren't little kids you're trying to inspire to take their education as far as they can, they're grown adults who can shape their own lives by their own decisions. But maybe there are still some who want to try again, go back to school, and pursue a dream they have. Then, maybe it is right to talk about, or at least mention, my education and career goals non-awkwardly, just normally, and maybe one of my friends who's been thinking about that will find some inspiration in it. But really, who am I to think of myself as someone to give inspiration to others? Unless I am capable of doing it as any human is, as a gift from one human to another.

Oh my Plesae Thank You

I went to bed at 6:30 this morning. I haven't done that kind of fun since probably high school.

I hope I can go to bed at a relatively early hour tonight, even though I woke up less than 7 hours ago. It's 9:40pm.

UPdate: the amount of clarity and gelling that's appearing in my head regarding what I want to do with the next few years/my education/my life is happy-fying.

Ooh, this is going to be fun.

Ahh

When I listen to William DeVaughn's Be Thankful For What You Got, I can clearly recall the feelings of riding in the backseat of the car with one of my parents driving and playing this song on a mix when I was little. I remember not really knowing what 'gangsta whitewalls' were, nor being able to understand quite what he was saying when he said, 'tv antennas in the back.' But I felt some joy when I heard him say, 'You may not have a car at all,' because I could understand that quite clearly and it brought the meaning of the rest of what he was saying but that I couldn't understand together. I still don't know what 'gangsta whitewalls' are, nor can I really pick up what he's saying when he says 'tv..enters..in the back' But man do I love this song.

I also remember that guitar, that unique guitar, when it comes in strongly and matches partially with the vocals, but at the same time is kind of off. I remember always being in awe of that guitar. It made my skin crawl and sent a sense of subtle irritation down me from head to toe because it was so strong and intrusive and didn't exactly fit what it seemed it was trying to fit. At the same time, it did fit, just right, and it raised the energy level of everything and made it sound prettier, too. I still get those feelings listening to the song today. I like that guitar, but I don't really like it. I anticipate its arrival with a sense of almost dread and excitement.

This song is my growing up. It is a part of my childhood so powerful that upon hearing it senses and memories flood back into the front of my consciousness. And you know, looking back at all these songs I was listening to as a child, it's not a wonder I turned out the way I did. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Here it is for your listening pleasure:

Even though...

Even though Lady GaGa's music is way more aggressive and affronting than the laid-back rock of Iwamano Kiyoshiro which I'm listening to now. And therein lies (part of) the awesomeness

Haha Me

Haha, I just realized I'm one of those people I swore I'd never be so many years ago who takes 2, or even 3!, years off between college and whatever schooling's next. Let's hear it for shower revelations.

Just a Thought

I just had a thought.

Countries are a thing of the past. We have to be international people from now on.

(Nujabes ~ Ordinary Joe (Feat. Terry Callier))

I Can't Believe This

Japanese Hip-Hop producer Nujabes dies

I never saw this coming. Holy shit, this guy made such amazing, beautiful music, I can't even believe it. I can't believe he's no longer alive. And only at 36. Why did something like that have to happen?

After reading that, I thought, "Wow, I guess life really is short. It can end at any time. You really have to live, every second, every single moment of it, with all the feeling and love you can. You have to live every moment of your life as it if could end at any time. Because it can."

Sometimes, you just suddenly feel, very, very clearly, the truth that your life could disappear from you at any moment. You understand at a deep, primitive level the quickness and lack of any warning or signal with which your life could wisp away from your body before you even know it. You know truly, then, that you have no control. I felt all that very clearly when I found out that Nujabes had died in a car accident at 36.

I spent so much time listening to his album, Modal Soul, when I was in the depths of some kind of depression I couldn't even grasp in over a year ago's fall and winter. I can clearly recall the feelings of driving in that small, blue car down a dusky, thin, night road, going nowhere, just driving to let myself think, to leave the house that pushed down on me with an oppressive presence, just to get away. Listening to his music alone at night in that car, driving, I somehow was able to diffuse negative feelings into the air around me. Even remembering some parts of that album now pull at my insides, making me feel like crying a bit. I may have even been listening to him that night I pulled over on the side of the road and wanted to cry so badly but couldn't. Maybe that feeling is still somewhere in me. It was something I felt more than once on those drives.

I remember thinking his music was so beautiful and being moved by it when I first heard it. I still have those feelings, and ones like them, when I listen to his music today. I don't know if it "got me through a hard time," or if I just happened to be listening to it when I was going through harsh experiences, but his music penetrated deep into my soul, and it mixed with whatever was going on in it at that time. It's part of my soul's memory, history, now. I'll always feel connected to this album, and to Nujabes's music.

Rest in peace.

Thinking again,

I think the music of transitions may be the most interesting.
Or at least very interesting in its own unique way.

Trans-music: The transition from 20 months in the Japanese countryside to an uncertain Los Angeles is interesting

The soundtrack for this person's transition from 20 months in countryside Japan to open-future Los Angeles includes a lot of Japanese psychedelia (Jacks, Apryl Fool, Happy End, Asakawa Maki), U.S. Oldies (Smokey Robinson, The Matadors, Francisco Aguabella, Skip Mahoney & the Casuals), mariachi (Los Camperos, Vicente Fernández, Pedro Fernández, Javier Solís), and alternative Japanese rock (Friction, Iwamano Kiyoshiro).

Whoa.

Wow.

Atsureki

Oh my gosh, Friction is so cool. And the guitar riff for Cool Fool is sooo good.

According to different accounts I've heard, either the lead singer and bassist of the band, Reck, started it after returning to Japan from New York, where he had been playing No Wave, or as soon as the band formed they went to New York then came back to Japan after a year or two and got big in Japan. In any case, they are awesome.

Unfortunately, I can't find any really good videos for this song on the internet, but all you need really to do is listen, right??!



I'll throw this live video with not so great quality in just for good measure, too.



Oh yeah, this video's pretty cool, too, though the song is different (Crazy Dream). Here's a transcription for what they're talking about in the beginning:
"Are you guys punk?"
"Uh...we don't think of ourselves as punk."
"So what are you."
"Uh...'i don't know.'"



I can't get over how cool these guys are.

I've been listening to nothing but Japanese music lately, actually, mostly from the '60s-'80s. I noticed the other day that I'm getting a lot of inspiration to make some good Chicano/a and/or decolonizing music once I get back to the U.S.

At the end of the last video, the lead singer's talking about how he lives in Tokyo and how the city gives him energy. Then, I think for the most part he's talking about how Tokyo throws away a lot of energy, so the energy hasn't taken off yet, but that he's making that energy take off. (Haha, he uses the word "energy" a lot so it's kind of hard to not do so here, too). He says he's putting out full energy and that people who understand what he's talking about can do it, too. Then, "...Don't you think so?" Haha. I'm not sure what he says at the very end, but it sounds kind of like, "Are you not used to this?" It's so interesting to me how different, yet similar, the singer and other members of the band are when they're playing and when they're giving an interview. Anyways, really interesting stuff to think about and inspiring music.

Really

Where is the beauty?

(Skip Mahoney & the Casuals ~ Wherever You Go)

Addendum

Also of note from that dinner:

H. Apparently wealthy, tall, pale. Talks often of having a Dutch mother. Steadily, openly dating 50-something-year old professor from past college. Interested in linguistics and philosophy.

She bought a rabbit half a year ago and found, over the course of some weeks, that it was unfriendly, not so cute, and bit nearly everyone who came in contact with it. This winter, she decided it wasn't worth it to take care of it anymore, took it up into the mountains, and left it by itself.


Why are these the people who have money, power, and authority? Why are these the people who are welcomed with open arms and longing gazes when they travel to other countries? I want to ask, "Why are these the people who don't have to work for anything," but upon quick reflection I realize that that is part of what makes them what they are. (By the way, the descriptive paragraphs for both H and M are just meant to be descriptions, not what I'm frustrated about). Irresponsibility and self-love are bred so rife in privileged circles. Why do they have to have things so easy? Why do I have to go through the trouble of speaking up whenever they say something racist believing it to be accepted truth (which it is to so many people)? Is this ever going to change?

Hm

Uh, why are there so many things I want to do, RIGHT NOW??

Quotes

Quotes from old men who look after me

"Mexicans are really smart. Do you know why? Because they're relatively pure-blooded. Koreans are smart, right? Chinese are smart, right? Blacks are smart, Japanese are smart. It's because they're blood isn't mixed. When you start mixing blood, things get weird."

"The quality of Japanese people has gone down since the end of the war. There aren't very many good people in Japan anymore. There were a lot before the war, but now, there are very few good Japanese people."

"Japanese people are becoming stupider and stupider. They barely even read books anymore, and just read manga all the time now, even full-grown adults."

"Japanese are different than they used to be before the war. Just last week, a 2nd year middle school boy was almost killed by three 3rd year boys. They just started beating him up, and luckily someone came by and saved him. Everybody watches variety shows that just make fun of people, anyone who's heavyset, or small, or old. Kids watch these shows and come to school and just make fun of each other and put each other down. In Osaka, you hear about young people beating up and killing homeless people all the time. The Japanese have become a people who pick on those who are weaker than them."

"You know how young Japanese people all dye their hair brown now? It's because they wish they could be like Westerners."

"Mexican women are really beautiful. You know why? It's because they're all mixed-blood. People with mixed-blood are really good-looking."

"As a Japanese, it really makes you feel good to hear that someone decided to study Japanese not because they saw some anime and thought the girls in it were cute or something, but because they thought the language itself was beautiful."

"The thing about Japanese is that if one person starts doing something, everybody else will start doing it too, until the whole country is doing it. It's part of the way we are. There have been good cases of it, Japan took in a lot of good ideas from other countries that way, but there are also bad cases. Young women only started dying their hair brown and trying to look more Western about ten years ago. Before then, no one was doing that. But all it takes is for it to become popular with one small group of people and everyone else who sees them will think they should do it, too. That's why so many people in Japan dye their hair."

"Whenever I hear him speak English, it sounds so cool to me."
"That's because that's how Japanese have been raised to think since the war. That's MacArthur's doing."

"The girls here are close to what women used to be like in Japan."

"It might be bad for me to tell you after you've come all this way and studied Japanese so much, but you should study Chinese. The future is in China. Japan's just going to continue going downhill from here. Economically, that is. Culturally, it'll keep cultivating itself - that's what happens in harsh economic times."

"I'm looking forward to seeing where you go from here."

Isn't It Crazy?

Isn't it crazy that I am listening to the new album by a Japanese experimental music group from Nagoya which I know of only because I met the original bassist in Bolivia two and a half years ago while I was doing college research and while she was taking a break from her band and life in Japan and traveling around Latin America?

Vacation

I suppose one way of looking at my lack of a real job is "forced vacation." And up to now, I've been forgetting the vacation part. I'm not going to get a job, but I will have a good month or two to do lots of interesting things. It's time to more fully enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Modern People

People need to stop saying "modern" when they really mean Western and convenient.

Today was a good day. I made good money, had a good, fun English lesson, and spoke with my mentor.

Ah Articulation

I articulated a feeling tonight which has an uncannily haunting presence in my life:
No matter what I do to contribute to the world being a better place, no matter how far we come beyond our colonial past and existence, no matter what, I will never be able to escape the painful, terrible history of colonialism, because I am a part of it. It is a part of me. I am a product of it.
This is pain at a level I have never experienced until I articulated it tonight.
I will have to get over this at sometime; I actually thought I had gotten over it already. Perhaps renewed interest in the subject brought renewed self-reflection and perception into these feelings. This might mean I'm going to have to deal with this in different ways across my whole life. I really wish I would not have to, though.
I wonder, though - why do I feel so drawn toward learning more about this? It captures my passion and interest so much, along with a desire to do something good for mankind, but at the same time, in certain moments it can fill and paralyze me with despair.
What are we supposed to do, as a human race?