I articulated a feeling tonight which has an uncannily haunting presence in my life:
No matter what I do to contribute to the world being a better place, no matter how far we come beyond our colonial past and existence, no matter what, I will never be able to escape the painful, terrible history of colonialism, because I am a part of it. It is a part of me. I am a product of it.
This is pain at a level I have never experienced until I articulated it tonight.
I will have to get over this at sometime; I actually thought I had gotten over it already. Perhaps renewed interest in the subject brought renewed self-reflection and perception into these feelings. This might mean I'm going to have to deal with this in different ways across my whole life. I really wish I would not have to, though.
I wonder, though - why do I feel so drawn toward learning more about this? It captures my passion and interest so much, along with a desire to do something good for mankind, but at the same time, in certain moments it can fill and paralyze me with despair.
What are we supposed to do, as a human race?
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The best I can do is not to dwell. Keeping in mind that there are issues that I CAN address, I move forward to address those and try not to worry too much about those issues that are so big I can't fix as just one person. The US needs more doctors, and I'm becoming one. I wouldn't know what to do about colonialism either, so I just do my best in the situation that I'm in. Guess this sounds like that one prayer, asking for strength to change those things you can change, and for peace to accept those things you can't change by yourself. I'm not saying I think you should give up, but if it's a huge issue like colonialism, you can still make small steps, maybe by gathering like-minded friends around you to support each other.
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