I Can't Believe This

Japanese Hip-Hop producer Nujabes dies

I never saw this coming. Holy shit, this guy made such amazing, beautiful music, I can't even believe it. I can't believe he's no longer alive. And only at 36. Why did something like that have to happen?

After reading that, I thought, "Wow, I guess life really is short. It can end at any time. You really have to live, every second, every single moment of it, with all the feeling and love you can. You have to live every moment of your life as it if could end at any time. Because it can."

Sometimes, you just suddenly feel, very, very clearly, the truth that your life could disappear from you at any moment. You understand at a deep, primitive level the quickness and lack of any warning or signal with which your life could wisp away from your body before you even know it. You know truly, then, that you have no control. I felt all that very clearly when I found out that Nujabes had died in a car accident at 36.

I spent so much time listening to his album, Modal Soul, when I was in the depths of some kind of depression I couldn't even grasp in over a year ago's fall and winter. I can clearly recall the feelings of driving in that small, blue car down a dusky, thin, night road, going nowhere, just driving to let myself think, to leave the house that pushed down on me with an oppressive presence, just to get away. Listening to his music alone at night in that car, driving, I somehow was able to diffuse negative feelings into the air around me. Even remembering some parts of that album now pull at my insides, making me feel like crying a bit. I may have even been listening to him that night I pulled over on the side of the road and wanted to cry so badly but couldn't. Maybe that feeling is still somewhere in me. It was something I felt more than once on those drives.

I remember thinking his music was so beautiful and being moved by it when I first heard it. I still have those feelings, and ones like them, when I listen to his music today. I don't know if it "got me through a hard time," or if I just happened to be listening to it when I was going through harsh experiences, but his music penetrated deep into my soul, and it mixed with whatever was going on in it at that time. It's part of my soul's memory, history, now. I'll always feel connected to this album, and to Nujabes's music.

Rest in peace.