Hi everybody

I just thought I'd give you an update.

I just got back from having an awesome time with two of our good, mutual friends around Kansai.

A terrible taifun hit the area right around where I live. There was a lot of water damage to buildings and houses, roads flooded and fell apart into rivers, and somewhere around 10 people died in the next town over. Whoa. Also, a string of fairly powerful earthquakes went off along the north-east of Japan.

I feel a bit weird in the degree of non-mobility I seem to find myself. A part of me wants to stay in Japan and find another job, continue exploring how to live (here) on my own, whether I stay in my new Japanese hometown or move. One of the lessons I've learned from this whole experience is...actually listen to people! Haha. People who give you advice, like other teachers and past professors, have your best interests in mind and really are trying to help you because they want you to be happy. That plus, listen to your environment! When you hear and notice the same thing coming out of all sorts of signs and different peoples' mouths, you might want to take it to heart, at least a bit (I tell myself now). It happened before, with all the signs telling me to recontract for another year of teaching English here, but at that time I overrode it with my own will and what I thought was a pretty decided plan for the future. Stubborness. I've only recently come to realize how much that comes into play in my interactions with people. Sorry, friends and fam, hehe ; ) But anyway, people keep telling me I'm good at Japanese. I'm not bragging or anything, but teachers and people I've met here've been telling me that all year and I've only now actually started putting some thought into it. Maybe I should just go with that, now that I'm in a position to do so. Find more work, keep studying Japanese, keep taking in the culture, keep learning to live here, because, hey, it might just turn out to be important.

Another part of me wants to go! Go, go go! I've lived in Japan a whole year, I've got a good foundation in human interact in this society - I was thinking something back when I decided not to recontract with this job, maybe I should just trust in the deliberation I put into it back then. There are so many other cultures and places that it is important to understand! How can I relate to more of the world's peoples as a person if I don't get out and meet more of them? At the same time, this feels a little less thought-out and reminiscent of that unmatured urge to just go that I felt more in college (okay, yes I know that was only one year ago, I'm not trying to say I'm so much more matured, hah). And after all, what is the other thing I learned from all this?

No matter how idealistically I want to live, I still need a job and financial stability to live freely in this society. I mean, I need a job to keep sane, but I can't go around being picky about which ones I take, really. This might be the phase where I just go through different jobs and professions, experiencing life in each and seeing what I like.

So I have a little less than a week to pack up the rest of my apartment if I feel I don't want to further pursue a life in Japan after I go home in the upcoming days. Or, I have an apartment from which to continue to search for jobs and out of which to base myself when I come back to Japan in a few weeks. And do I really want to put off school another year/apply to school from a foreign country/live at home in L.A. so I can get ready for school again?

I've decided to let things go instead of stressing about that stuff. I figure life's flow will direct me in a way if it doesn't guide me to a conclusion in my own head. But really, every day that goes by without me really feeling a distinct, determined will to do one particular thing leads me closer to sticking around here. If I'm going to say goodbye to this country for now, though, I'd like to do it with a sense of closure. Though I know I'll be back at some point. I guess I don't really get a choice in these matters, sometimes(?).

Anyways, the whole overarching thing to this whole...thing...(>.<)...is probably more about just being happy and able to live a life that is fulfilling and allows me to do my best in whatever I can, make best positive influence on others I can, and be open enough to be positively affected by all the amazing people/things (...) around me. So, how do I get to that? I had it for a while during that time between April and July and it was amazing. I'd like to rise up to that again.

Once, again, that got longer than I expected. Maybe I'll go to bed now, finally. Oh, by the way, I'm listening to Yo La Tengo's "A Smattering of Outtakes and Rarities: 1985-2003," an album I haven't really given too much of a good listen to so far, and it's really great. Feelings of music are also coming back up, too, now that I have more freedom to pursue that I suppose. Anyways, we'll see. :)