Okay

Okay, really starting to miss friends now.

I miss having people who just understand the way I feel, with whom I can relate so easily without even having to say much, who enjoy doing the same kinds of things as me, who care a lot about the world and people besides themselves, who can just chill out and enjoy themselves, who laugh incessantly about really nerdy or random things that don't even make sense to other people, with whom I feel so immediately at ease that I never quite noticed it or appreciated it as much as I do now. It's hard to find/make good friends and amazing when you do. It's exciting to travel on my own and go out and meet new people and make new friendships, but when it comes down to it and I'm really all by myself, it's hard not being able to see your friends at a moment's ease. It's amazing how much I actually need to be around or in communication with my friends, just to remind me subconsciously that there are people who care about me and that I mean something to someone else. I don't know if this is a common thing, but I feel like it can't just be me who feels this way. Even for all my independence, without that constant reminder, I seem to forget. Maybe because I'm in a foreign country, completely separated from a major part of my culture and the comforts in the way I live. I think that maybe I tend to "wash out to sea," if you will. Lose myself in the mass of swirling people and lives and forget about the identity that kept me so reinforced while I was back at home. Maybe I really do need to go out and find more Latinos here. So much of what makes up what I am is so far away, and although it's all inside me really, it's hard to feel it strongly when all the reminders of it are few and far between.

Culture and friends.

I still haven't been able to find a job, and sometimes I wonder now why I came back to Japan. I've had an insane amount of learning and interesting experiences, and if I hadn't come back I know I would've regretted it, so I know it was good to come back, but damn, what is happening right now? I seem to always be struggling to keep a grip on things. I really want to change the way I'm living, with my head neither here nor there, but I can't seem to grasp what I need to do.

(Ibrahim Ferrer)